Lately, I have been having feelings of unhappiness and emptiness. I feel like I am going nowhere and doing nothing that I enjoy. What do I even enjoy? The question keeps on plaguing me, and still I cannot find an answer. I enjoy eating, but it gives me anxiety at the same time. It's a double-edged sword.
Yesterday, I went to Taste with my mother to try Onda Pasta since I was off of school and work due to a state holiday. It was lovely, but the price always makes me feel super guilty. So what I have come to the conclusion nowadays is that:
- The only thing I enjoy is eating at places I have been researching about for weeks or months
- I feel anxious prior to going to said places because of my fear of becoming overweight
- Upon looking at the prices (even if I already know them ahead of time) fills me with anxiety because I am usually with my parents or my boyfriend and they both always want to treat me
- When I do end up paying for my boyfriend and my meals (occasionally) it also makes me feel guilty, as if I should be saving my money for something
- In my attempt to take yummy food pictures, I get stressed and anxious if my shots aren't coming out right
So basically, I'm not sure what to do. I am trying to get over my "fat-phobia" but it's hard when all I do is sit in class, sit in an office, and eat in between. This isn't the summer I wished it to be, but then again, this was my own doing in an attempt to get ahead in life. I just watch a bunch of Disneyland videos on YouTube to give me temporary escape, but I don't know man. Nothing is really doing it for me, and I am scared that this funk will last longer than before. I mean I had a mini funk in the beginning of Fall term, it weakened a little during spring, but not completely. Now it is coming back again. My trip to Oregon didn't really help with it, if anything, it made things worst. I just want a sense of fulfillment, like I am doing something right. Every minute of the day is spent wondering about my future, where I'll be, what I'll be doing. These thoughts take up most of my time. I want to be successful and travel the world, but I won't sacrifice an occupation that will make me truly happy for that lifestyle. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like nothing can bring me true happiness. Yeah, it sounds dark...but that's how I truly feel these days and it's scary. I just want to move away from this island. The sun, sea, surf is all just an illusion. You don't feel free here, you feel trapped...or at least I do. I need to get out of here pronto, and I guess I am come September. But that brings a whole other wave of anxieties that I don't really want to think about yet.
