Exhausted

Has it really been 10 days since my last diary post?! I guess so. Ahhhh, 10 days go by extremely quickly when I am getting tussled around by life. Besides balancing two summer school courses, a part-time job, and an internship, I have just been thinking a lot. Lots and lots of thinking. That must be the reason behind my constant exhaustion.

Lately, I have been having feelings of unhappiness and emptiness. I feel like I am going nowhere and doing nothing that I enjoy. What do I even enjoy? The question keeps on plaguing me, and still I cannot find an answer. I enjoy eating, but it gives me anxiety at the same time. It's a double-edged sword.

Yesterday, I went to Taste with my mother to try Onda Pasta since I was off of school and work due to a state holiday. It was lovely, but the price always makes me feel super guilty. So what I have come to the conclusion nowadays is that:

1. The only thing I enjoy is eating at places I have been researching about for weeks or months
2. I feel anxious prior to going to said places because of my fear of becoming overweight
3. Upon looking at the prices (even if I already know them ahead of time) fills me with anxiety because I am usually with my parents or my boyfriend and they both always want to treat me
4. When I do end up paying for my boyfriend and my meals (occasionally) it also makes me feel guilty, as if I should be saving my money for something
5. In my attempt to take yummy food pictures, I get stressed and anxious if my shots aren't coming out right

So basically, I'm not sure what to do. I am trying to get over my "fat-phobia" but it's hard when all I do is sit in class, sit in an office, and eat in between. This isn't the summer I wished it to be, but then again, this was my own doing in an attempt to get ahead in life. I just watch a bunch of Disneyland videos on YouTube to give me temporary escape, but I don't know man. Nothing is really doing it for me, and I am scared that this funk will last longer than before. I mean I had a mini funk in the beginning of Fall term, it weakened a little during spring, but not completely. Now it is coming back again. My trip to Oregon didn't really help with it, if anything, it made things worst. I just want a sense of fulfillment, like I am doing something right. Every minute of the day is spent wondering about my future, where I'll be, what I'll be doing. These thoughts take up most of my time. I want to be successful and travel the world, but I won't sacrifice an occupation that will make me truly happy for that lifestyle. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like nothing can bring me true happiness. Yeah, it sounds dark...but that's how I truly feel these days and it's scary. I just want to move away from this island. The sun, sea, surf is all just an illusion. You don't feel free here, you feel trapped...or at least I do. I need to get out of here pronto, and I guess I am come September. But that brings a whole other wave of anxieties that I don't really want to think about yet.

Back to the Grind

Hello, folks! I am home from Oregon, YAY! As much as I enjoyed my trip, I felt pretty relieved to be home. Well, I felt relieved until I realized that I had to start summer school, my internship, and return to my job. The anxiety everything looming as the end of my trip came nearer and nearer was too almost unbearable! Though, all of these commitments are because of my own doing, so I can't complain.

Yesterday was my first day of summer school. I am taking two businesses courses (BUS310/311), from 9-11:45. My classes are alright so far, but my professors are kind of...boring. I was anticipating work being hard yesterday because I heard there was a little bit of office drama during my absence, but there wasn't really anything out of place when I went back. However, I did feel as though I was going to faint multiple times...not sure why.

Today was my first day of my internship at Aflac! I will be a marketing intern, but due to my boss having a family issue, he wasn't able to come in. That meant that I just had to learn the rough basics from some other interns and will just have to return back next week when he's actually there.

Right now I have been having some stomach trouble :( Not sure if it's due to my self image anxiety or the fact that I have been eating a lot more than I should have when I was on vacation. Didn't really gain anything, but still...It's all in the head, right? Also, my trich has been pretty bad too :l

Oregon Reflection

As my trip to Oregon wraps up, I start to contemplate all that has happened since I have been here. I knew that leaving the University of Oregon to go back home for school would be tough, but it was a lot tougher than I had imagined. Starting my sophomore year in a school with a lot of familiar faces from high school was different. I definitely went into culture shock. I missed my old friends at Oregon, my freedom, the weather, everything. I was a miserable wreck. There was nothing I wanted more than to go back to Oregon.

Fast forward to the end of sophomore year, and dang was it challenging. It was a good kind of challenging. I started the year in tears and ended with a 4.0 (2 A's and 3 A+s, say whaaaaat). As much as I loved Oregon in my freshman year, I knew in my gut I was making the most sensible decision in coming back to Hawai'i. I have been blessed with so many great opportunities at UH.

I knew coming back would be different, but I didn't know it would be THIS different. Call it what you will, maybe "rosy retrospection"? Eugene, Oregon wasn't as magical as I had remembered it to be. Okay, I know calling Eugene, Oregon magical sounds silly, but when I first moved back to Hawai'i, that's how I saw it. In my head, my friends were the best people in the universe, the hobos were the best, everything was the best, that's what made me so depressed being stuck back on the rock I call home. 

However, after a lot of things went down that really tested me as a person, I realized how much I appreciate what I have at home. Sure, I may not like the weather, and may not hang out with my friends as much because I live at home, but my family really helped me. Sure call me lame, but my parents and my boyfriend are really my best friends. This was the first time I have traveled by myself since I moved back home, and it's been surprisingly lonely. I mean, I am not lonely when I am meeting up with my friends and reconnecting, but I have these moments where I just feel so isolated even if the room is filled. This is exactly how I felt at the beginning of the year at UH. So I am wondering, have I been gone from my friends' life for so long that I can't completely reconnect with them because I have missed out on so much? It's like reading the first chapter of a book and then skimming to the end and feeling confused. The dynamic of everyone's relationship is so different from the last time I came. Sometimes I feel like my friends and I are from different planets. Did I grow up? Or did they? Sometimes I feel like the only people I have in the world to trust are my parents and my boyfriend. I guess I am lucky to even have those three people.

I am enjoying my time back in Eugene, but at the same time I am using it to reflect. When I was struggling at home, I had it engrained in my mind that everything would be hunky-dory if only I could be with my friends back in Oregon. Now that I am back, I realize that is not the case. Hardships follow you, wherever you go and you just have to deal with it. Not like I am facing hardships while I am on vacation (because that would be silly), but I am just starting to see people without my eyes clouded. Being back, I see the faults of people again, reasons why they frustrated me before, things I had forgotten. 

Basically, this trip has taught me to appreciate what I have. There is no such thing as a perfect place, but as long as you have the people that make you feel like you aren't alone in a crowded room, any place becomes tolerable. Not sure if I am just getting hit with homesickness because I have become so attached to my parents and boyfriend, or if this is just a self realization "growing up" kind of thing. Basically, as cheesy as it sounds, home really is where the heart is.